The Long Road to Natural Detox (Abstinence, By Any Other Name)

by Rick Cusick

Here’s a Fun Fact: Workplace drug tests typically do not detect the presence of drugs; they detect the presence of drug metabolites which are the waste products of the drugs you ingest after they have been metabolized through your system. Hence the name metabolites.

While most drug metabolites are water-soluble and are quickly flushed from the body, marijuana metabolites lodge in the fat cells and can stay for up to a month or more, depending on so many things it can make your head spin: your weight, your metabolism, the frequency of your use, the quality of your weed, the cost of your test and more. Practically speaking, if you smoke a single joint on a Friday night, you could probably pass a urine test by Tuesday, but if you are heavyset and you smoke weed every day, you would probably have to abstain from smoking marijuana for at least a month before you could ace the Whiz Quiz naturally.

It’s all about cutting the odds.

There are well-known methods and products that might get you through your test. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t because of all the parameters I’ve mentioned above. Some are better than others, but it’s hard to tell which because the catch-rate is kept secret by the drug test companies which now offer Specimen Verification Tests – SVTs – for a small additional cost. So the spikes, adulterants and detox drinks come with no real guarantees (An offer for Double Your Money Back! is small comfort after you’ve lost your job). Every situation is slightly different, and you know your situation better than anyone else. With some good information and a little thought, you can pick the best method to beat your urine test.

First Up: Abstinence!  

Ah, abstinence! Of course!, The best way to beat a drug test is to abstain from using drugs! But if it’s too late to catch that perfect wave, if you find that you’ve stayed at the party too long, then you must abstain from your drug of choice for at least as long as its window of detection. Simply stated, you put as much time as possible between getting high and unzipping your fly.

The metabolites for different drugs naturally vacate the body over different lengths of time, creating a separate  “detection window” for whichever powder, plant or pill you prefer. For instance, opioid metabolites leave the body after a day or two while traces of cannabis can linger for well over a month  (see chart below):

  • Amphetamines – 48 hours
  • Methamphetamine – 2-3 days
  • Cocaine – 2 days after a single use; up to 12 days following a binge.
  • Heroin – 1 -2 days
  • Methadone – 2-3 days
  • Marijuana – casual use, 3-4 days; daily use, thirty days or more

Remember: these “windows” represent the average times it takes for a natural detox. That’s abstinence, by any other name. These time frames are not written in stone as all those pesky parameters could kick in to change the equation at any time. Regarding cannabis: if you are thin and have a fast metabolism, count yourself doubly blessed. Less fat means less metabolites and a quicker metabolic system leads to a faster flush. But if you’re a big-boned and heavyset  you’ll have more metabolites and a longer window of detection. I knew one person – short, chubby and a helluva nice guy – who decided to go with a natural detox and failed six piss tests until he passed his seventh… on Day 45!

Amazing to say, he kept his job.

Of course, the problem with detection windows disappears completely with a urine substitution. Quality clean synthetic urine is substituted for your tainted piss, and all the the worries about dilutions, adulterants and sketchy detoxifications are gone. The key word is “quality” which implies a lot of things: proper PH levels, proper temperature, properly coloring and free-of-disease. Not all synthetic urines are created equal, and the one I can personally recommend is Monkey Whizz, ready to use for $44.95 plus s&h. They know what they’re doing, and have been doing it a very long time.

 

NEXT: The Four Most Common Ways To Beat A Drug Test

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